I'm giving my machine a break for the evening. so far I've cut valerie's dress, sewed and am currently lining her cloak, sewed eric's cloak, beth's and francis's skirts. jamie's dress and most of kristin's cloak but I fucked up a sleeve so I will get back to it later. All of them still have to be hemmed but I did what I could.

You know I'm getting everything done but I'm falling apart doing it. My grades are good but I don't think i deserve them. The quality isn't there. I really don't have anything I'm proud of right now.Mostly I'm just not proud of myself. Actually, I hate me a majority of the time. I never say the right thing, I never do the right thing and I always look more than a little awkward doing it.

I feel worse than I have in a really long time only my parents don't know because my grades are good and my friends don't know because we don't talk...except to question my feelings for Jimmy...which I appreciate... side comments from who doesn't know enough about me to comment because she never actually bothered to learn... that was exactly the conversation I wanted to have.Thank you.Really. One day I will make an assertion or set a goal and five people won't stand up to tell me I can't do it because I don't know yet or I just don't have it in me. I will call those people friends...until then I'm still looking.

a couple days ago Mike told me I needed a protege... no one as permenently fucked up as I am needs to mentor someone. The world doesn't need more me. It barely needs the me it has.

I need to be rescued.I need a break. I need someone to tag me out. Something. An hour where the words "costumes" "lion" "witch" and "wardrobe" don't come up. A nap. A good backrub. Flowers. A complete converation. Something. At this point anything would work really.

Jim won't be home for another 2 weeks and in those two weeks I have to get through this production or at least most of it. By then the show will have opened and so the hardest part will be over. I just have to keep reminding myself that I love theatre and this is part of it. And I do and I know that someone has to do this. it's just never felt this daunting before.

There's a funny part ot all of this. I have to write college essays, so I have to spend a lot of time thinking about what's good about me. So far I've got that I'm a heavy sleeper and I'm not too picky about what I eat. Somehow I dont think anyone will be impressed with that.

I don't know. I think it's funny and mostly I don't feel anything right now so that has to say something.