Friday I saw Nicole. She called wednesday and I made plans to do something with her.

It was so awkward. I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't feel like I knew her at all. It looked like Nicole. It acted like Nicole but it clearly was not. At all.

And what's so strange is that I've been away from Mike for just as long. But I saw him Saturday and it all fell back into step. It was the same stupid jokes and blatent jabs at each other.That boy is like my brother. Nicole was like my sister... she seems more like a body snatcher now. I don't know. I should feel worse about this, I know. I probably do and am just ignoring it. It'll come out later when I'm scared and lonely and in dire need of something Jimmy and Justin and Mike and Eric et. al just can't give me...female companionship.

I still need to find a new studio. Mrs. Ray is retiring and unless I can find a studio that will just let me take classes when I can as opposed to everyday for 4 hours and join their company I'll be ok. But I think this means that I'm probably done with pointe...at least for the time being. That was my release. It was the one thing in the world that my brothers couldn't do better, the one thing I didn't have to print every month whether it was good enough or not or audition for only to be passed up and have to deal with ten rounds of "...but you were Medea? Did you suddenly start sucking?" No Mr. Sacks I just don't fit the part I suppose. I could fuck up. It didn't matter, no one saw me do it. I didn't have to think about where to put my leg or how to hold my arm. I knew. No one had to tell me. They couldn't. And I don't have that anymore and I'm going to get fatter than I am(how, I don't know but I'm sure I'll manage...I'm a cow already)

I'm downplaying this, how much it all upsets me. Thats what I do. I make jokes when I'm completely heartbroken and distraught. It's a coping mechanism apparently. So this is me coping....cope cope cope...