I was watching Medea earlier...I had nothing else to do. I haven't seen it in so long and I

ve only really watched it three times at that. It's just so unreal. I can't believe sometimes that I did that. I remember it all vividly-- sitting on the couch backstage with Justin waiting for intermission to end resting on his shoulder and flirting horribly. Trying desperately to seduce Eric on stage even though I felt like a fool doing it. Yelling I can do, that's hard for me(not just with you Eric, with anyone.) The rides home with Krissy. That note, that strange beautiful note. The um... stuff... with Selecman. How freaked out I was that my teachers were going to see me. How happy I was when Mike and Nicole came twice...cast party....oh cast party. But it's all done now. But watching it today-- I didn't care so much that I rushed some of the speeches or that I did this or that the point is that I did it. You know, thats me up there. it doesn't look like me--she's hot and powerful and so intense...

how in the hell am I supposed to compare to that?Everytime I get onstage I feel like I have to outdo her. Like I'm standing in the shadow of this person that is me but isn't. She's me to the power of ten and I don't know how to be that again. Even thought these parts are nothing like her... She still casts a shadow on everything I do up there and maybe I wouldn't worry so much if I wasn't up there with Justin again. The expectation is so much higher. But then again theres no one I'd rather be paired with on stage. He makes me work harder. Im thinking about this too much. I do that when I have nothing else to do. It's not good. I shouldn't probably