since jim left my mom decided to take me shopping. Sometimes she acts less like a mom and sometimes she's friend. Whenever Jim leaves shes a friend. It's nice. I don't know, its just comforting. I don't cry on her shoulder. I don't do that with anyone unless they catch me that the exact right moment and I can't help it. I like maintaining the appearence of strength...unless its a party and I know no one..then I cling to a wall and pray for it all to end.

Shopping was sucessful. I fit into smalls. Even my mother thought so. She always wants me in the next size up. Maybe I am losing wieght. I don't really work out as much as I used to. I eat most of the time. I've been forgetting. I just get busy. I refse to eat when I'm bored. Or sad. I over eat then. I dunno. I eat at least once a day. I really just don't think about it. Honestly. Food just doesn't have that kind of power over me where I have to have it. If anything is a vice for me it's soda. Everything else I can will myself to refuse. Even caffeine doesn't get me like it used to. I can go days with out it now. Despite being almost perpetually sick this winter with colds and such I feel pretty healthy. I still hate my body but I hate it less. I feel like I can control it.

I have to go to a ball in february. I'm excited but really only because I get to see jimmy. The getting dressed up dancing thing is nice but it''s really not worth it without the other part. I just need to find a shawl, a bag and shoes of some sort(maybe.) At least I know when I get to see him again. It's something to look forward.

This is hard. Saying goodbye as soon as I get used to having him around again. But I suppose it's what I have to do. I love him. I don't have another choice. I don't really want one either.