so yesterday, or maybe the day before I was looking for ideas for a matrix submission. I have a folder of unfinished stories and such I keep around just for things like this and I found what must have been an old diary entry or the beginnings of one at least. It was from sophomore year it much have been when I was dating brad and concerning something mike had said to me. There was no date but I remember that conversation... he was telling me how unhappy and lonely he was. It was funny at the time because he'd dumped me two months before. But then he said something that I just didn't expect. Mike has always appeared a very quixotic character. .. He falls in love so completely and so easily it seems sometimes.... when he told me that it pissed him off that he hadn't really "gotten any in like a year" I just didn't know how to take it. Thats what bothered him. Put my role in our relationship in a new light...

The thing about time is that you forget these things happened. You remember trivial things- the length of movies, your old locker combination, the name of the boy that sat across from you in 5th grade... but you forget those things you really should remember about a person.

what I know now that I didn't then was that that was Mike's in. The first conversation about missing having someone turned into the next remincising about when we dated and the third about regret and the fourth and the fifth and all I could remember was flowers and notes on my birthday and and the lyrics to "Crash into Me" I forgot that the reason he started to miss me was because Erin had stood him up again and I was there to console him and I forgot how he'd told me that I was third on his list and I forgot that thing he'd said about not getting any. ( I don't mention any of this because the statement suddenly has me all bothered...nly to illustrate a bigger point)

It makes me wonder how much about everyone else I've forgotten. I know there are things about Jim and I that I choose not to remember. But isn't it easier that way?

I could sit and think all the time about all the horrible things Mike or Jimmy or anyone for that matter, because they all have (and I've done just as bad or worse to all of them) but where would I be? Pissed off and alone...

I'm starting to think that forgetting some of these things isn't so bad. Sometimes friend will remind me what other people have done and its their job, they're just trying to protect me, but I still don't listen. Fact of the matter is sometimes I'd much rather forget. There's just no use in remember all of that. It's depressing. I'll take note of it, like I did and maybe I'll stumble across it a year or two later. I'll pause and consider it but it doesn't matter. Yeah I spent a good hour or so thinking about that, mostly wondering how I'd forgotten it ever happened but it doesn't change anything between me and mike. In a day or too I'll forget it ever happened again.