Monday I start dress rehearsals for my last show at Fairfax, maybe my last show ever...I don't know.

the make-up is here, the costumes are done. I'm scared. the theatre is my hiding place. I don't get a grade for it. I get a grade for Journalism....plus I don't like the people there as much as I like theatre people. They care about petty shit infintely less than pretty much everyone else I know.

I'm not going to have Kristin and Justin next year. I won't have Galen. I won't have Frances. I'm even gonna miss Rami. I don't want to admit that but I will miss his blatently sexual jokes. I'm the only one thats the brunt of them.

Yes, I will be closer to Jimmy, I will be closer to Mike. I'll be closer to Nicole. I'll be more on my own than I ever ever been. I'll have real responsibilities.This is all fantastic and wonderful and I'm anxiously counting down the days until I can move into my dorm room(117)

But I know there will be this hole and even Jimmy as much as I love him can't fill. He's still only one person. That's a lot of shoes for one person to fill. I just found out today that Smith watches the West Wing. Just today. I don't even realize now how much I'll miss him. That man has done more to get me out of my shell than the rest of my favorite teachers have done combined... all of whom have done their part.

There was this part of Medea where the women of corinth would literally volley me around the circle. it was the one time during the show where I'd lose my footing and balance. I was being pushed and pulled in so many directions...my head is doing that to me right now. I've wanted this for so long, just to get away from it all... now my deposit is in. I've signed the papers and I grabbing at shifts the wind to stay where I'm familiar.

I can't stop the inevitable...