I haven't been writing here lately...mostly because I've been spending time thinking and not writing it down because I don't really want to put it all out there. But I suppose I need to say something. Its not like people really read this. I think they only scan it to see if there name is mentioned...thats how I read theirs.

I could go into the laundry list of things that aren't good right now but most of it comes back to me not being all that thrilled with myself. I'm trying to finish a one woman show and start a personal philosophy statement only I don't know how to end the play and I have no personal philosophy. I have regurgitated Kierkegaard and Nietszche. I have quips from people much smarter than I am but thats nothing special...or more importantly my own. It's really kind of pathetic. I have nothing to say for myself that I didn't read in a book, and written much better for that matter.

Theatre awards are friday...Cappies nominations came out... I tried really hard not to be upset by them (I mean I'm ecstatic Beth and Grace were nominated, they completely deserve it) I just wanted proof that my mom isn't my only fan. Those costumes took so much out of me to put together...I'd like to think the satisfaction of having done it myself, without LaCroix or Mauren, would be enough. It's not. I wanted recognition for it.... I never even got it from Smith the way they did. I really did kill myself trying to do that... I still feel like I let him down.

It's kind of funny, during greenroom Justin said something about how great it was to see me happy now. The thing is I have never been consistantly happy. I've just gotten better at lying about it. I have my moments. My giddy, happy moments but they pass and I'm me again. I don't like it, but it's how I am. No one is going to make me feel something I just can't. I mean Jimmy helps but he can't make me happy all the time. He's just one person. For a while I wanted him to just make it all better. I thought thats what he'd do. But its not his job. He doesn't expect that of me...

I've been working out. I feel fatter. I mean huge. Everywhere I look on myself I see bulges and bunches of fat and skin and curves I shouldn't have. I weigh too much. I eat then I hate myself. I look at food and all I can see are the carbs in that or the calories in this or how that will clog my arteries and give me a heart attack at 30. If I had any willpower at all I wouldn't touch it. I'd drink water and eat crackers and carrots. I'm pathetic. When people tell me they think I've lost weight, my mind immediately jumps to how patronizing they are and how mean it is that they say things like that to me...is their sarcasm supposed to be funny somehow?

I know this is a problem but I can't help but thinking that if I just run with it I'll lose the weight I've been trying to get rid of since 8th grade. I used to ber dancer thin. I could have gone to Juliard...now I'm too wide to walk in the door.

I need to go finish cleaning and get some sleep... I have the rest of the week to fake it through.