I'm offically done here. Someone added me to their buddylist today and I have no clue who they are. They seem to know me. They know friends of mine and have cute little nicknames and what looks like years and years of inside jokes built up and I have no idea who they are...come to think of it, I don't really know who any of these people are. I read the semi-intimate details of thier lives on a fairly regular basis but the people and things the talk about I don't know or remember. These were the people I counted among my best friends and we don't talk. Kristen, Lynch, Mauren, Heather, Jenn, LaCroix, Pumphrey, Sara, Selecman, Miller... I mean fuck, while I'm at it I can include Justin and Deitos and Allison and Galen

One of the Valedictorians said something in their speech about those friends that know all your secrets from pre-school... In pre-school my best friends were shared with Zach. In kindergarten it was a girl whose shoes I thought were pretty. I bounced from friend to friend in grade school... I always had a few but they got bored. Then I grew tits and the boys just loved playing with me. I'd play football but wasn't as dyke-y as Rebecca Martin and I let them catch me sometimes. Then it was middle school and my best friend spent her weekends getting drunck and screwing around alot with her brothers friends...he was 18. I had another friend that got kicked out of Flint Hill for giving head on the back stairwell when she was in the sixth grade. I was their prudey friend. I'd never even kissed a boy before... well at least not one that didn't come out to me later...Through pretty much most of high school I was everyone's rebound...not just sexually... I was the girl you started hanging out with when you weren't talking to your best friend...Not everyone treated me like that. But enough did that I started to notice a pattern. My relationships fluctuate like their dependant on the moon...

,,,Anyway, it occurs me that because of this I keep a lot to myself. Not even important things, just stuff. I don't talk. I've become painfully shy. I'm a fucking actress and I can't even speak without being spoken to.

I don't have anyone that really knows everything. I just still don't trust that anyone will hang around long enough for me to completely expose myself and then the secret identity of my favorite kind of jujyfruit will be known and I'll be left with nothing for myself. It doesn't matter but this is important to me.

I was down at Radford last weekend and they were having this mixer sort of thing... It was supposed to be fun. Only I started to have a mini panic attack walking through the crowd because I thought I might have to talk to someone... I'd have to start a conversation. You have no idea how much this frightened me. I started shaking. I didn't used to be like this. I walked up to someone once and said "my name is meredith, I like your shoes, do you want to be my friend?" And we were, for 7 years. I was friends with this girl once because she was going to invite me to her bat mitzvah. I used to love parties. I didn't really like that girl all that much. she was kind of a bitch. I just loved parties.

At the end of the year this year Ro said to me " you know meredith I've know you for a couple of years and I know nothing about you." It was the nicest thing he could muster to say about me. It doesn't matter though. Thats the way I keep don't I?

It's all done now... I really am done here. I'm going to start shopping for a real diary. The paper kind. Or wait until someone thinks it's a clever graduation present.

None of this matters. I'm done here.